We all have those annoying friends imbeciles on Facebook that seem to strive to ruin the experience for everyone. They flood your NewsFeed while trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records for most applications ever added to one profile.
Due to the prevalence of this uneducated and obviously moronic race of people, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to inform the masses of proper Facebook etiquette. I had to reread that sentence 4 times to understand it, and I wrote it. In simple terms (for you crazies), I will teach you how to NOT be annoying.
If you follow these 10 simple rules of Facebook, I will guarantee you that your social media friendships will not only last longer, but also increase in quality. Mainly, because I won’t block you. That’s quality right there.
Here goes nothing.
1. NEVER tag photos of people who aren’t actually IN the photo.
Too often, I find myself tagged in a photo that someone just wants me to see. If you just want me to look at the stupid picture, send me a link! I don’t want a picture of your newborn beagle, no matter how cute, to have my name on it along with 74 of your other friends.
Chances are, if you’re a close enough friend to me that I would actually care about a picture of your dog, I’ll find it on my own anyway. Don’t force your photos on anyone!
I am not the Naked Cowboy. I promise. Do NOT tag me in this picture.
2. NEVER type an entire message or comment in ALL CAPS.
In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past decade, you should know that typing in all caps communicates SCREAMING! And no person should ever need to scream something like this: “EATIN A BAKON LETTUCE TOMATO SAMWICH AT JULIENS THEN GOIN 2 WORK TILL 5 YAY.”
And that leads me to my #3 (and also to #4).
3. Use punctuation. The grammar gods made it for a reason!
While you do encounter the occasional grammar over-user, they are vastly outnumbered by the punctuation-less. I mean, did someone distribute keyboards without these keys or something? Add a period. Use a comma. And while you’re at it, learn what possessive means and how it applies to apostrophes.
4. Shorthand typing is so 2003. Leave it there.
I wudnt type lk dis if my lfe dpnded on it.
Basically, shorthand typing (OMG, I wnt 2 da restrnt 2 by sum fud but 4 sum rezn they cudn’t undrstnd wut I sed) was created for one of two reasons: (a) To fit more words into a text message because phones had a limit or (b) to hide the true message from inquiring minds, such as parents.
Since phones can now send crazy long text messages (another rant for another day) and since hiding stuff on Facebook through shorthand will help no one, STP USNG IT! Even the most popular service in today’s world that limits the length of a message frowns upon this shorthand (Twitter).
5. Don’t start an unrelated conversation on a status update!
A Map for You
For the love of Pete (Who is Pete anyway? And why do people say that?), If you dreamt about me last night in a pirate’s outfit, write it on my wall where everyone can see! Not in an unrelated conversation thread. Thank you.
6. Limit the length of your novel, errr… status update.
If I need an audiobook version of your status update to know what it says while I’m driving, then it’s probably too long. If I have to scroll down on my 24″ monitor to read the whole thing, then it’s probably too long. If it rivals War and Peace in length, then it’s probably too long. And you might be a redneck too.
If you want to tell a story, put it in a Facebook Note. If you need practice, join Twitter so you can learn brevity alongside me.
7. Put YOUR picture as your profile picture.
So not you.
I guess I’ll forgive you if you choose to put a picture of your child/children, but even when I see that I think — Does this person seriously not have a single photo WITH their kids they could use? Hmmmm.
8. Either chat or don’t chat! There’s no in-between.
If you initiate a chat with me, then doggone it, at least participate in the conversation! And if you’re going to abruptly sign off, at least have the courtesy to say, “Later Dude.” I think nothing more needs to be said here. Next.
9. Don’t leave disclaimers for your sarcasm.
I’m so sorry. I was just being sarcastic if you didn’t know.
If you are witty enough to post a creative and sarcastic comment, then take ownership of it and don’t be ashamed! Believe it or not, most of us can read your intentions into your comment. If someone cannot, then it’s a character flaw on their part.
Too often, I see someone leave a terrificly facetious comment, only to see a followup post 10 seconds later that says, “I was just being sarcastic.” The mark of a true talent in the cynicism arena is the ability to not crack a smile and not have a tell! Believe it.
10. Stop. Taking. Those. Stupid. Quizzes.
In case you missed my rant on this, you can watch it now.
There are many more things that annoy people on Facebook, I’m sure. Let me know your pet peeves in the comments! And what do you think of mine? Be honest!
