Despite what Barack Obama might say, I’m here to tell you that People Never Change! Although we get older, get bigger, and get smarter, our core generally remains the same. Also, if you’re hoping for a serious topic or debate opportunity, I’m afraid this post will disappoint.
For example, if you asked someone to describe me 10 years ago, they would’ve probably said something like this: He’s a sarcastic, overly critical, somewhat intelligent, geeky, athletic, tall guy with a hint of arrogance, a dash of charm, and a desire to manipulate.
If you asked someone to describe me today, the result would be exactly the same. Well, maybe with an increased portion of arrogance, but that’s not my point. Speaking of my point…
A few years ago (roughly half a decade), I wrote a paper for my Advanced Exposition class in college about my life’s goals. Being me, I couldn’t resist the urge to take a truly twisted angle on that assignment. Sad thing is, these “life goals” are eerily similar to what I still consider as my desires.
As per the assignment, this was written in Stream of Consciousness.
As I sit here wondering about the many things I want in life, a brand new laptop continues to surface in my complex mind. Thinking of all the production I could get out of a brand new, $2200 Apple Macintosh with Intel inside makes me tingle inside. I could watch DVDs during boring classes, play games during lectures, and instant message during all other school related activities. Simply put, a new computer may be essential to my success in college and ultimately my success in life. Of course, it needs to be a 17-inch widescreen model that will best display all graphics. Anything else is just absurd. I want a bunch of software included with it as well. And one of those wireless mice too.
I want a shotgun too. I never go hunting or skeet shooting or anything of the such, but I have just always wanted to say I have a shotgun. I don’t know why. The last time I went hunting, I crashed my brand new four-wheeler and severely broke my right arm. I didn’t cry though, because I’m tough. I’ve always been tough. One time I smashed my finger in a car door, and I didn’t even shed a tear. Man of Steel am I. I’m thinking of changing my name to Clark Kent. If I ever shot myself with my new shotgun, it wouldn’t even hurt me because I would be Superman! I am a lot like Superman. We both have black hair. We are both males. That might be it.
Next on my list of things I want is muscles. I’ve always dreamed that I have those. I tower over people with my 6 feet 4 inch frame; however, when I turn sideways others cannot see me. The only problem with this request is: I don’t want to have to work to get them. I’ve always considered exerting effort as something pointless. Honestly, what is more fun that reclining in a chair for eight consecutive hours while watching television shows such as 24, Prison Break, and Smallville? But apparently, girls like muscles. I like girls. Therefore, I should have muscles. Santa, send me muscles.
I also want a huge house. I want a library in it – one with DVDs, not books. I want to be able to tell people to meet me in the “East Wing” and have a “Butler’s Pantry.” I want my dog to have his own climate controlled room. I will also need a servant to feed and play with the dog. I want a ten-acre pool in the backyard, complete with heating devices and beautiful lifeguards. I want horses, too. All rich people have horses. I will host a lot of balls, even though I don’t really know what that is. In all the movies, wealthy people have balls instead of parties. I would invite all my friends, especially you. That leads me to my next request.
Mr. Santa Clause, I would like you to bestow upon me a grade on this paper befitting my excellence. Befitting is a funny word. It has so many uses. One might say, “That dress befitting?” or perhaps, “This workout bench will help you befit.” I really have no idea how I passed spelling and grammar in 4th grade. Another word I like is pulchritudinous. It, however, is not related to anything in this letter except the person reading it. In High School, I once won an award for being the one individual who could effectively suck up to anyone. It’s one of my abilities as Superman, I think.
I also would like a black sports car, a Harley motorcycle, and one of those new segways. I want a black sports car for now, a Harley for when gas reaches $4.00 per gallon, and a segway for when gas reaches $10.00 per gallon. I should be a financial planner. I have my whole future planned out. I am going to graduate college, become rich in two years, retire, and watch television for the rest of my life. Most people I’ve met envy my plan. Others call me stupid and irresponsible, but Einstein’s teacher said he would never conquer simple mathematics. Look how that turned out.
Finally, this is my last request before my next one. I would sincerely like to win the hit reality show American Idol. Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, and that spiky haired dude have nothing on me! It’s true, I have never sang in public and the water stops running when I sing in the shower, but I know America will love me. If only Simon Cowell will give me the opportunity to show what I can do. Santa, please, with all my heart I beg of you, allow me to conquer the next season of American Idol. If that cannot be made possible, I will settle for Nashville Star. I know I can be better than Miranda Lambert!
Seriously, this is my last demand. This particular request is small and very easy to give to anyone. I would simply like one million dollars. If your little elves can make complicated digital cameras like they do on the Staples commercial, then they can surely use a printer to put Ulysses S. Grant’s face on green paper. I’ll take them all in a nice black briefcase, underneath the tree. I promise I will give some to charitable organizations like Best Buy and Circuit City. You can have faith that the money will be well protected and well invested.
Santa, I would like to thank you in advance for your generosity in this matter. As you can tell, I have experienced a very tumultuous life and could use anything to brighten and lift my spirits. I know you will do your best to turn my awful life into something that is respectable and admired by others.
As you can tell, my life is loaded with ambition and a desire for instant improvement.
If you replace Fantasia with Kris Allen, Circuit City with Apple Store, and New Segway with Old Segway, you would probably believe that I just wrote that paper. Proving that I have not changed.
